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Despite being in a quite shitty situation, I knew I had to make some major life changes. The good thing about being in a black hole is that there is not much left to lose. And because of it, I wasn’t scared of taking risks. By the end of 2014, I got out of my relationship and simultaneously took a 2-month unpaid leave from work. I was thrilled that finally, after more than 5 years, I had a proper vacation – even if that meant that I was spending the last of my savings! 

I was able to take care of myself and spent a month visiting my friends and family in Estonia. No sirens, no garbage trucks, no millions of people around me (I lived close to a hospital in Manhattan). Estonian calmness had a huge effect on both my mental and physical health. Another deciding factor that helped me to get out from the black hole was switching my job in early 2015. I now worked in a much healthier environment and my job was actually exciting! And to make things even better, there was no need to commute 2-3 hours a day anymore. I cannot describe how liberated I felt to be able to walk home after work. Apparently, small things CAN make us happy after all!

Got it, now what about the list?

The idea to come up with a goal list and set every goal to a specific deadline came after reading Lori Nelson Spielman’s novel The Life List. Who knew my inspiration for goals with a deadline could come from a novel, not from self-help literature?!

I vividly remember the decision to come up with the goal list. It was a Saturday in October of 2015 and I had just finished reading the above-mentioned novel earlier that day. I was meeting up with one of my girlfriends at a bar on 2^ndAvenue on then Upper East Side, and of course I couldn’t stop speaking about the character in the book who had to meet all of her life list goals within one year if she wanted to get her heritage. Suddenly I got the best idea ever: “You know, I think I will also make a list for myself” I remember telling my friend. Obviously, I didn’t have any heritage waiting for me (unlike the character in The Life List), but at least I could add a deadline to my goals. I got a piece of a receipt paper from the bartender and without giving it much thought, wrote down some goals for 2015/2016. My friend did the same, however, her list was three times shorter than mine. Even though at least half of my goals were completely unrealistic, I was feeling excited and motivated like I hadn’t had felt in the past 2 years – at this point creating a goal list was a form of therapy for me.

In 2016, I started slowly traveling again and the fear of leaving Manhattan gradually disappeared. I was also brave enough to start working out again in the gym even though I was sure I’d die if my heart rate went higher than 150. Thanks to my first goal list, I also created a new habit of reading much more as well as going out and dating new people. I could continue with the examples of the benefits that I received from the first list, but let’s leave some room for mystery, too. Basically, my list helped me to organize my thoughts, to achieve my goals and to overcome my anxiety.