Have you ever asked yourself a question: “Why is it important to me?” or “What do I really want?” Those two questions sound so simple, yet extremely challenging. Such questions don’t come up every day, but when they do – whether during a self-reflection moment, while making a decision, or setting new milestones – the rule of thumb should be: be brutally honesty with yourself.
And here is where it gets veeery tricky.
When I was recently looking over my goals for 2021, I asked myself those two questions for each goal (Why is it important to me? What do I really want?) and I got STUCK 🙈. Do I really have a meaningful answer for the goal “try out a fun new look this year?” (Yes, you read it right, I have this on my goal list). Or, why do I want to learn a new skill for my career? Which career? What skill? Where do I want to go from here?
As a matter of fact, I was almost afraid to be honest and look for answers within myself. I got suddenly very confused, and started questioning: are my values MY values or somebody else’s? Like Jay Shetty says in his book “Think Like a Monk,”our values don’t come to us in our sleep. We don’t think them through consciously. They are learnt.
So, who or what is influencing our values? Here are some common ones:
- Parents/caretakers
- Culture
- School
- Friends
- Media (this is HUGE!)
- Traditions
- Religion
I know I could elaborate on every point separately, but let me point out a few that are closer to my heart ❤️ .
👉 Social expectations. In my opinion, one of the fundamental issues is that from an early age, women are raised to be caretakers. Don’t get me wrong – I am aware that the modern world is moving in the direction of women being independent and having equal rights, and I also consider myself a modern woman (hello, I am childless by choice and not married at age 37!) but the truth is being a woman means often putting somebody else’s needs in front of ours.
We are not used to asking ourselves: what do I really want? What is important for me? Too often children, partners, parents, bosses, etc. come first. No wonder we are dumfounded when we hear these questions. A majority of women know this feeling too well.
👉 Consumer culture. This topic gets lots of attention these days (think of all the self-development and spiritualty books/talks/gurus that spread the word trying to make us understand that happiness cannot be found in materialistic things!). I think many of us are getting more and more aware of this trend; however, most of us still want a consumer life to a certain extent! There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but the issue is that if we get too FOCUSED on our outer appearance and our materialistic things, we simply lose touch with our inner selves. I am not going to lie, I still don’t know why I want certain things, too. I am almost afraid to be honest with myself because I am embarrassed to admit that some of my goals are probably driven by wanting to be recognized by others.
Ok, thanks Liis, for confusing me. What should I do then?
If you want to set meaningful goals, you need to start being honest with yourself. In my opinion, there is no way around it. Conduct an experiment even if it lasts only for a few hours: forget your ego, forget what everyone else thinks or wants from you. Just think about what is important for YOU! You are responsible for your own happiness, and nobody else should be more interested in your wellbeing than you. Don’t be embarrassed about your own thoughts. If you want a big mansion in a wealthy gated community, it’s OK! If you want a tiny house somewhere remote, go for it. People are all different, and so are their values. (Besides, nobody says you need to make a drastic overnight change.)
After being honest with yourself, it’s time to get to work: picture your dreams and write them down as detailed as possible (or make a vision board). Then break them down into sub-goals and start thinking about the timeline and actions you need to take. The bigger the goal, the longer it usually takes.
*Find more tips about goal setting here: https://theliist.com/tips/https://theliist.com/tips/
I have personally struggled with the question “why is it important to me” many times. But if when I sit down and lower my guards and I am completely honest with myself, there is an answer within me. Sometimes I don’t like this answer, but it is always there! And it is up to you if you are ready to accept this answer, or if you need some time to get used to the idea first before taking any action!
What are your goals and uncomfortable truths? Feel free to comment!
Light and love,
Liis
Refeshingly honest, made me think and even chuckle a little 🙂 That’s what I love about this blog! Thank you!
My uncomfortable truth is that my choices have been influenced and goals have been dependent on others, but the good news is I am becoming more aware and mindful about that every day 🙏