I recently stumbled over a New York Times article I Love You, but I Don’t Want to Sleep With You, and in the Valentine’s Day week, why not to speak about relationships and sleep a little? Both are essential for a happy, fulfilled life, and this is exactly what I am focusing on here in my blog.
Based on what I have heard from my social circles and seen online, I was not shocked to read that more couples sleep in separate rooms than most of us might think. Quoted from the NYT article: One in five couples sleep in separate bedrooms, and almost two thirds of those who do, do so every night, according to a January survey of 2,200 Americans conducted by the International Housewares Association for The New York Times.
Belonging to one of the couples who do sleep in separate rooms, I felt immediately less peculiar about our choice. Here is why it works for us.
Sleep is No. 1 priority for me, and I won’t sacrifice this for anything. Not for work, not for some extracurricular activities, not for gym, not for TV or social media. Of course, there are always some exceptions, like going out with friends or occasionally a project that absolutely needs to be submitted tomorrow or a 6 am flight I have to make (or small children if I would have any), but as a rule of thumb, I am doing my best not to lose any sleep due to some activity that could have been done another time, arranged differently, or skipped altogether.
These are pretty common reasons not to jeopardize your sleep, right? But how about sleeping next to somebody who is snoring, an insomniac or has an entirely different schedule?
In my early thirties, after year-long dating history with various men and trying to adjust to their needs, I decided that I had had enough, and if I could not get a good night’s sleep next to somebody, I won’t hide or sugarcoat it. Partly because I was dating a person with sleep apnea then and partly because I had become a very light sleeper myself.
Since then, whenever I have had a partner who is snoring, insomniac, or has a conflicting schedule, I have been very upfront about it. Either we sleep in different rooms (or I will be on the coach), or I won’t sleep over. Of course, such information needs to be delivered in a certain way, not leaving room for doubts that there could be another issue up in the air.
Luckily, each person with who I have spoken about it has been very understanding; however, there has definitely been a moment of surprise and plenty of offerings that “it doesn’t have to be this way” or “we can try to sleep half a night together..”, which sends me a signal that this has not been a common practice in their life before and perhaps even more importantly, that this is not their preferred routine. My 25-year-old self would have given in at this point, but like all of us, the older I get, I am not willing to compromise as much anymore, nor to put down my own needs.
E.g., in this specific case, my boyfriend at the time snored so loud that I needed earplugs even in the guest room, so imagine if there wouldn’t have been that separate room option. We probably wouldn’t have dated at all.
After that, I dated a few more people with whom I had zero problems sleeping in the same bed until my path crossed with my long-term partner.
Currently, I am in a 3-year relationship with major insomniac and since our second night together, I don’t sleep next to him. Every day starts and ends with cuddles in one of our beds, but when it’s time to sleep, we do it best alone. That being said, my current boyfriend’s sleeping issues have gotten so bad that he has been doing sleep tests, etc., and is sometimes waking up five times a night. Therefore, at this point, I cannot picture that we will ever sleep in the same bed if we want to feel rested in the morning.
The NYT article also mentions other reasons people needing separate rooms, such as hybrid-work model or just due to a personality that needs more of a “me time/space.” Even though I absolutely love that little extra alone time I get, we do it out of sleeping reasons only at this moment. Hence, it is a highly practical arrangement for us.
Besides perks such as plenty of personal space and not getting as tired of each other, I want to mention another benefit, which might sound minor at first but makes a big difference for me: one can decorate each room to their needs and taste. E.g., I love my little yoga area, bookshelf, and candle collection. My partner, however, couldn’t care less about interior design, and some of his closets don’t even have doors, which drives me crazy! You know, little things like that 😊.
The downside of this type of arrangement is the cost, as an extra bedroom can be pretty expensive, especially in bigger cities.
Intimacy
The article does point out the obvious: what about intimacy in such arrangements? For me, it hasn’t made a difference at all, as I don’t think one should necessarily be intimate in the evening before sleep time. I just find it is much more fun and energizing if that happens rather unexpectedly, independently of the time. Although, one thing I do struggle a bit with is the closeness and snuggles, as my love language is “touch.” So, in an arrangement like this, I always ensure morning and evening cuddles. I also agree to sleep in separate rooms can make you somewhat distant from each other, so one needs to make up for it whenever possible.
Vacations
Before every vacation, I used to be stressed about the sleeping topic. For sure, we should spend as much time together, but do I want to be a half-awake zombie during my vacation? Here we have tried different options: we have booked Airbnb with a second bedroom or a decent couch. In the hotel, we have reserved rooms with the biggest beds possible or separate beds in the same room. Latter has worked quite well for us (with the help of earplugs), so this is the way to go for us.
So, is sleeping apart a blessing or curse for your relationship?
Sleeping in different rooms might seem like a sign of a relationship issue for some, but for others, it is a relationship saver. Like with everything else in life, listen to your own needs and not what is seemingly expected from you. Keep an open mind and don’t be afraid to try out new solutions even if they might seem unconventional at the beginning.
This is all for today. What are your thoughts on this? And let me know if you would like to read more about the relationship related topics! 💘
Light & love,
Liis
You should actually tell this to my wife…who actually she snores every night…not so strongly as a man but she does…and can be annoying at times
Haha, thank you for sharing! As communication is the key in any relationship, why don’t you speak to her? Just an idea: you can mention my blog article and take it from there..
I love your blog Liis! I love how open and honest you are about this and most importantly how you look at challenges and how you solve them. We all know that most people don’t suspend judgment when hearing a story like this, but in fact the idea in sleeping in separate bedrooms is not new. Old Hollywood used to even depict these events on the big screen and people didn’t find it strange then. I wish this idea would have stayed that way. It’s so ideal!
Thank you so much, Margo! 💕 I didn’t know this about Old Hollywood! It’s amazing that I can learn about new things from my blog’s comment section ☺️
Cool personal deep dive into the subject. What’s his love language btw? If you don’t mind sharing 🙂
Thank you, Mari! No, I don’t mind sharing 🙂 He has never made the five love languages test (and is not interested in taking one either), but I think it is fairly safe to say that his love language is “acts of services.” Whenever I need help, I can count on him 💙